91% of the parents who recently took our Parenting Quiz felt inadequate as parents, especially when things went differently than they expected.

When I saw that large number, I realized how important it is that we parents stop judging or blaming ourselves. We can look at the bigger picture rather than focusing on the moments when we didn’t live up to our own expectations. We can look at parenting as a lifelong process, a process that gives us the chance to develop and grow every day.

Being a parent is your chance to get to know yourself better: You can learn about your own needs, emotions, trigger points, beliefs, habits, and more.

Only by becoming more self-aware can we better distinguish our own need’s from those of our children. So being a “good mom” doesn’t mean putting the needs of your child/ren first. It means paying more conscious attention to what’s going on inside yourself, to mindfully observe when your energy is low, when you get more easily triggered, when you just copy what others are doing – doing what you think is the “right thing”– rather than being aware what feels right for you and your child.

Your growing self-awareness is the key to an easier, calmer, more confident and fulfilled family life. It’s the key to living as your authentic self – not just for your own well-being, but as a healthy example for your developing child.

I realized while working with parents that often we get so absorbed in our parenting life that we forget what it felt like to be a free spirit. We forget what it felt like to not have the 24/7 responsibility we now have as parents.

How would you respond if I asked you: Before you became a parent, in what situations or activities, did you feel truly yourself, free of any duties or thoughts about the future or the past, simply BEING who you are in the present moment?

When you have recalled such a moment, close your eyes and think about when and how you can bring some of that activity back into your daily life now.

For me, the answer is easy – Salsa dancing! When I hear the music and feel the rhythm, my heart starts to dance, and my whole body moves on its own. As soon as my body starts to move, my thoughts about what to do next or what I might have missed completely disappear. I simply feel free from one moment to the next, and there is nothing that can distract me or hold me back.

Sometimes it’s enough to take a breath and recall those moments in your mind. Sometimes we have to actually take action, like I did when my daughter was little.

I decided to take Salsa lessons in our living room, because I was not able to go to clubs anymore, since my new bedtime was before they even opened their doors at 10 PM.

When I added these lessons into my life, that old joy came back, and I FELT LIKE ME AGAIN!

Sometimes it is easier for us to experience these moments of freedom on our own before we can feel them with our family. That’s ok! It doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human.

Do you ever find yourself going through your day on auto-pilot, paying very little conscious attention to what is going on within you?

You’re not alone. It’s so common for parents to just go through the motions of their day—just checking off the “have-tos” on their mental checklist.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing bad about doing the things that have to be done. I just want you to become more aware of who’s in control of your inner decision-making process.

• What are you having for breakfast tomorrow?
  
  I would answer: A boiled egg, bread with marmalade
• What would you do differently at breakfast if you let your heart speak?
  
  For me, I imagine a quiet, peaceful atmosphere. The breakfast table would have at least one flower, a lighted candle, some moments with my family without anyone being in a rush, and no distractions from TV, phone, or radio.

When my daughter was little, I always thought no one could care for her the way I did. I had thoughts like: “My husband can’t put her to bed like me,” or “He isn’t able to feed her as healthily as I do.”

Of course that’s true. No one can do it the way we do it, not even our partner, co-parent, grandparent, or nanny.

But if we keep thinking this way, we make ourselves indispensable. If we are indispensable, not only will we never get a minute for ourselves, but we’ll also deprive others of the opportunity to find their own way and make their own connection with our child, and we’ll deprive our child of connecting with and having new experiences with other important people in their lives.

• How much do you want to be needed as a parent?
• What opportunities & challenges can grow out of you being more dispensable?
• How much control do you need?

In the end, finding a way to let go of control will serve our desire to raise independent and self-confident children while also experiencing inner freedom ourselves.

Allow yourself to experience the freedom to be YOURSELF again. You will be surprised how much your inner joy will spill over into the time with your child!